Insomniac

I watch movies a lot. I watch at least one every day. Last night Dominick and I decided to watch a movie together while he did homework (That's how we solve having "together" time). I am not proud of the film we watched and was reminded that movies are rated "R" for good and valid reasons. Because of my shame of the content I will refrain from naming it.

However, even though the movie was filled with vulgarity and filth, the general concept of the movie intoxicated me. I was giddy with excitment to see how the writer and director were going to end the movie. And at the end I kept on telling Dominick how much I hated and loved it.

In a nutshell, this movie was about a man who was an insomniac for a year. His mind begins playing tricks on him and the viewer is left wondering what reality is in the film. There are many strange occurences in the film. For example, whenever "main guy" meets "certain girl" it is always 1:30, the fact that "main guy" is as thin as a pole (let me tell you, unnaturally thin people look really funny when they walk!), the color red prominently appearing at certain times, concepts of light/dark.

The symbolism that grabbed me the most during the film was the notion of light/dark. Certain times in the movie "main guy" has to make decisions to follow a path of damnation or salvation. I find it so intriguing that in a movie filled with so many worldly concepts that Godly principles dominated the main idea. In the end, through many trials and tribulations "main guy" was able to reach the road to salvation when he confronted the truth, recognized it and did the right thing. After making his hard, but morallyl correct decision, the dark, gray screen is filled with white and my eyes had to adjust to the brightness.

The ending was encouraging to me. It reminded me that the harder paths always lead to one's peace. The decision "main guy" had to make to reach his redemption was not the easy one and many would have ignored it to live a life of selfish indulgence. But, as this movie showed, that does not bring happiness or rest. Only the truth sets one free, only the truth brings true peace and rest.

I am glad that God can bring me encouragments when I stray from his ways. It was a harsh reminder that even though I witnessed a film bringing the message of an important Biblical standard, I should have never compromised my convictions by watching an "R" rated film.

Well, to end, I hope this blog encourages you all to remember if the people on "Easy Street" can do the right thing like "main guy" did in this film, those of us following the Lord on "Straight and Narrow" should find it just as easy if not easier to do.

A Restless Girl

Watch a movie
Lay down
Sit up
Lay down again.

Watch another movie
Lay down
Sit up
Lay down again.

Walk about the apartment
Plenty of do,
But those things consists of
Manual
Labor.
Hardly exciting.

Friends pop online.
Good, someone to talk to.
Most ignore me.
Thankfully, one listens to my cry
For what?
For attention.

Maybe I have ADHD,
Maybe I'm not conent.

I know God will bring me
People
Activities.
But, man, He sure does take His time!

You Didn't Do This!

I made an interesting connection between my old and new job today. Today was an especially hectic day at work. One of the managers was sick, so she called off. Our one manager had to come in on her day off. Also, we have been "over budget" for our hours, so many people got cut today. A shipment truck came in and we only had 3 people to unload it (we usually have 10). Our hiring manager had two interviews and orietations today. ALSO, promotionals had to be done. It was one of those "When it rains..." days.

The "day off" manager came in the store in a sour mood at first. When I saw her I noticed she was not in a good mood. I asked her if she was okay, and she continued to tell me how she was upset because, "Nothing in the store was done. I can tell that no one swept and the bathrooms weren't cleaned". I explained to her the predicaments we were in this morning and she really did not care. My opening manager also had critical comments about the crew the night before. These are complaints that I hear several times throughout the week.

At my old job I was bombarded with complaints about the quality of work from other managers and employees. At my last job I was a waitress at a retirement home. Most of the complaints were about how the night crew didn't do this or didn't do that.

How sad it is. Why do people insist on criticizing each other? I cannot believe and will not believe that dwelling on the fact that other people did not do their jobs to one's satisfaction. Sure, it is annoying that the store is not as clean as it should be. Sure, the trash was not taken care of the night before. Who cares?! Just take care of it, address the person that did not take care of their responsibility and move on. Don't dwell on the fact and get in a bad mood. I bet it would make one's work day a million times better.

Work Thou Art My Foe

I hate jobs. They eat so much time out of one's day that there is rarely any time left for important things. I miss my husband. I see him for a few hours every day, approximately three or four. But, I am selfish, and I want to spend an entire day with him. Not to do anything special, just to be with him. I just want to know that I have him all to myself. However, our schedules always seem to collide. The days he has off, I work and vice versa.

Ah, well. Such is life. I don't have to like it, but it is still going to happen. Argh.

Oh, To be Young Again

I really just wanted to write a few words. I have noticed recently, more than usual, how complicated life gets as one grows older. Boys stayed away from girls and vice versa because members of the opposite sex were gross or had cooties. Now, men and women can no longer have a relationship without some type of sexual tension occuring.

Decisions that one faced with were simple. Basically, all one had to figure out was how to waste the hours of the day. Today, jobs need to be found, money needs to be made, where to live, what to wear, what to say. Everything is important and the consequences of every action are much higher.

Life is just not easy anymore. It still has its moments of pure bliss, but it has a good share of terrible ones to. Thank God He is faithful and will see me through it all.

I'm Such a Fake.

I'm such a fake.
I pretend to be a good person,
but that is a lie.
My mind wanders
And I usually take myself to wander with it.

I'm such a fake.
One day I'm happy
Another day not.
My fickle attitude wears me out
And I am sure others, as well.

I'm such a fake.
I don't want to be.
Why do I make myself stay in this rutt?

I'm such a fake.
What's worse
I know how to fix it
But have no will-power to do it.
Why not?

I'm such a fake.
But, Oh God,
I want to be real.

A Stab at Poetry

No work for the day,
No plans either.

A sun that is bright
Warm
With a few playful clouds
In the sky.

A large open
Field
With luciously, green grass.
Wild floweres add different
Colors
Textures.
The noise of buzzing bees
The sight of colorful butterflies
The chatter of playful birds.

Barefoot
A long, flowing skirt.
A comfy T-shirt.
No make-up
No cares.

An enchanting book
Authored by Austen
Or Wilder.
Any classical author, really.

I lay in my field
I look at my bright sun.
If only this kind of atmosphere
Could
Exist.
Perhaps this is the Heaven
My Savior is designing for me.

A Fleeting Thought

I had a strange thought pop into my head tonight. It was one that shocked me at first. It was a thought I would have never expected to appear in my brain. Sometimes I wonder if these blasphemous thoughts are just attacks from the enemy or my own flesh wandering through the "other side". Perhaps attacks from the enemy and my wandering flesh are one and the same...?

I recently began a new job that exposed me to a different culture. "The real world" some may call it. At my previous place of employment (which was Moravian Hall Square) a majority of my co-wokers were Christians or people that were raised in a church-going family. One girl even met the Lord during my time there. As one can imagine, it was a fairly safe and comfortable environment for me. At Old Navy, where I currently work, there are only two God-fearing people, and that might be pushing it. I am sincerely hoping that there are more, but I honestly do not know.

As I work there longer I am becoming better acquainted with my fellow employees. I get along with some better than others. There are two people in particular that I like. They are kind enough to ask me how I am, they call me by name and they try to involve me in their conversations. Now, these conversations are overflowing with curse words and are usually about topics I do not approve of let alone comprehend; however, as I was standing there with them this evening I thought to myself They seem happy even without the Lord.

Loud sirens went off in my head and I swear my face turned red signalling to others that something unusual just occured in my brain. Where in the world did that thought come from? I know with all of my being that it is not true. No one in this world can be truly happy or content with their life without the Lord Jesus Christ being in their heart. But, for just a second, as I observed these people, I thought that they seemed perfectly happy.

God, forgive me for letting that thought invade my mind. Now, I just need to diligently pray for their Salvation so that they can find real happiness. I guess there is no sin in a thought like this passing through my mind, but it is a sin to believe it is truth.

I am Already Sick of Being Sick

I have been sick for less than twenty-four hours and I am already tired of it. Sickness is an interesting thing. If one sits down and really thinks about what sickness is it is astounding. A microscopic specimen, one that goes totally unnoticed by myself or any other human being on this planent, attacks what-cha-ma-call-its in my body and makes me sick. I really do not understand it at all, but I think that is how it goes....

That tiny, little bacteria-guy totally throws-off my daily lifestyle. Simple things like breathing becomes trying. At work tonight I found myself walking around with my mouth wide open. Now, this is not an unusal occurence for me, but I felt like it was opened wider than normal. My lips were dry and peeled by the time I was done with my shift. I felt like two plump raisins had found residence on the front of my face. Attractive, right?

Also, my mind becomes extremely fuzzy. While engaged in conversation with customers or co-workers tonight I found myself tripping over my words or saying things that made absolutely no sense. I was returned with blank stares. I did deserve those blank stares because I too was giving them a similar look. If a person tried to talk to me it took my brain several minutes longer to understand what was being said and then by the time I replied my words were meaningless.

Oh, well. I would like to think that the majority of people in this world have experienced the same thing I have this evening. I am not looking forward to another day of work tomorrow, however I have all day Friday to recover. I am sure I am going to cause amusement to others and embarassment to myself by tomorrow's end. I will try my best to find comfort in that?

"Faith without works is dead"

Today was one of the first days I joined the mass of bread-milk-and-eggs buyers. I didn't need all of those things, but I still had to go the grocery store. After purchasing all of my items, I had an interesting experience while standing in the check-out line.

There was a woman ahead of my who was trying to use a WIC coupon or whatever it is called. The cashier was having a difficult time making the register accept the coupon and applying it to the certain items she was purchasing. He was being really friendly and was doing the best he could, but after fifteen minutes, the woman was starting to get impatient. The whole time I was standing behind her I could sense depression and heart-ache which made my heart ache as well.

When the coupon was finally applied she owed seventy-five cents. She chuckled to herself, shook her head and proceeded to get out her debit card. She gathered her things and left the store and unfortunately forgot one bag worth of groceries. I did notice and tried to tell the casheir, but he was not comprehending what I was trying to tell him.

After I bought my items and started to drive home, thoughts flooded my mind. Praying for a person is excellent, but what does that show a pereson who may not know the Lord? How is silently praying encouraging my fellow-man? The verse "...faith without works is dead." It's truth hit me like a hammer against a nail. I could have done so many practical things to show this woman the love of Christ. I could have given her the money to pay for her purchase. I could have taken the bag and ran after her. But, what did I do? I stood there like an idiot. It is times like these that I really wish I could go back in time. However, all I can do now (which is something and important) is pray that God gives her an extra special blessing.

Thank you, Lord

The smell of brownies, which ended up extra-crispy. The idea of soft, chewy, chocolate cookies makes me smile. Smiling has been rare lately. Some days I wake up crying, despising the place I live. Some days I look at my husband and question getting married so young. Especially now when I have to make a decision between school and a baby. How many twenty-year-olds need to make a decision about those two things? Do I want to finish my education and possibly not get a job because I am pregnant? Or do I want to have a baby and start taking care of a family full-time?

But some nights like tonight, a quiet night, my mind full of anticipation about returning home, I am just happy and content with my life. I look at my husband and cannot imagine myself with anyone else. I take a bite of something I made and just enjoy the thought that I made this. I would have never cooked so often if I were at home. I had no reason. I know my Mom would have loved it if I would have offered, but I never had any real incentive.

Thank you, Lord for taking care of me. Thank you, Lord, that with you I can be happy. Thank you that I can do anything through you. And thank you, Lord for chocolate.

The Consequences of Whining

I have no topic in mind, really. I just want to get some thoughts out of my head.

Wednesday was a really bad day for me. Dominick worked from nine in the morning until eleven o'clock that night. When I am home alone all day I tend to think more than I should. Thoughts that invaded my mind dealt with not living here in Maryland. If I lived at home I would have people to visit, my job would have kept me more busy, I would be going to school, I could see my nieces and nephew, etc. But, no matter how much I cry about it or complain about it, I cannot be at home now.

When Dominick came home I cried on his shoulder and told him how I felt. His reaction was silence. He pushed me away and sat silent. He whispered to me, "Am I a bad husband?"

A shock of remorse and guilt hit me when I heard those words. How selfish am I?! That was the last thing I wanted him to feel. I do not know what I wanted him to say to me or what I expected to change by complaining. Selfishness and complaining can hurt many people around you. Lesson I learned: Instead of thinking of me, think about the other people in your life that are also sacrificing in order to make you happy. Marriage is only good when the wife thinks about her husband first and when the husband thinks about his wife first. My Dominick is very good at this, but I need lots of work.

My New Favorite Past-Time

Okay, so I just had an epic moment in my insignificant existence. I needed to double-check the meaning of the word brash, for curiosity's sake. I went to dictionary.com and dutifully typed the word into the search engine. As always, the website provided a quick and precise answer.

Satisfied with my results, I decided to go back to the main page to look at "The Word of the Day". Today's word is lacuna which basically means an empty space. Hoping to remember the word again, I decided to use it in a sentence quickly before it escaped my mind. I looked at my husband and said, "Honey, your head is a lacuna". He responded by pretending to punch me across the face. I don't think he appreciated my correct usage of the word. He especially didn't appreciate that I made that incident my Facebook status. Oops.

On the right-hand side of the screen it gave guests the option for to look at previous "Word of the Day"s. I was proud of myself when I knew the definition of one already: pallid. I chuckled at some words and found others to be interesting. However, my all time favorite of the night and the one word in the dictionary which describes me perfectly was flibbertigibbet (pronunciation FLIB-ur-tee-jib-it). To quote the website directly it is, "A silly, flighty, or scatterbrained person, especially a pert young woman with such qualities".

So, I would like to end this blog by saying, thank you dictionary.com for providing me with educational and fulfilling entertainment. I now plan to make this a daily habit. I hope I stumble across words that are equally as great or maybe greater than flibbertigibbet (I highly doubt it). Good night all and I hope this blog is a presage of what all my followers will be doing immediately after reading this post (Oh yeah, by the way, a presage is defined as a prediction or a prophecy).

Reminiscing

It is hard to believe how my past has helped form my present. Five years ago I would have never imagined the events that have brought me to today. Five years ago I was in eighth grade! I cannot believe that I have come so far in my life.

What major events have I gone through in the past five years that I would have never expected? I believe when I began high school I started teaching Sign Language. I very quickly went from a dedicated student to an apprehensive teacher. By the time I reached my senior year of high school I was so glad that I had the opportunity to teach because it made me believe that I should pursue a teaching career considering the experience already gained. Since graduating college, I am not sure teaching is what I want to do. Never would have expected that major change of mind.

My college career was much more difficult than I thought it would have been my junior year of high school. I still remember my first day of English class in my senior year of high school when my professor came up to me and told me I needed to be vaccinated so I wouldn't pick up various STD's during my college career. I am pretty sure my face turned lobster-red. Again, I thought I was going to be completely estranged from that man, but by the end of the semester he had agreed to come to church with me for the Christmas Eve service.

Those two years were difficult and challenging. Many times I came home in tears becuase I was having a difficult time maintaining my grades, being involved in various things at school and working twenty-five hours a week. But, like all things, that part of my life came to an end and I managed to receive a 3.98 GPA.

College is a very important thing in life, but men are so much more exciting. I went from my old "flame" to a man that I never would have expected to date let alone marry. Dominick DiGerlando was not on my favorite-people-list at one point. I could not stand his extremely competitive, proud nature when he was in middle school. All of a sudden, I realized what a nice guy he was and I could see he was different than most men. When I was 16 he asked me out. When we graduated from high school he decided to change his major and go from Lehigh University to the Golf Academy of America in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Those two years were very rocky for Dom and me. That time was difficult mostly because of decisions I had made that I am still struggling with today. Who would have known that four years later we would become man and wife.

That very quickly brings us to present day when I am trying to become a resident of Maryland. Previously I would have thought the only connection I would have had to Maryland would be coming for vacation purposes. I can hardly believe that I have an apartment, a job and a church here in the state. As I sit here on my couch, alone, it is hard for me to fathom what tomorrow will bring let alone what happpens within this next year. I plan on trying to enroll at a university here, maybe get a new job, who knows! Thank God that He is in control and no matter what happens He is here for me and has walked before me. Am I ready for the future? Probably not, but I am okay with that.

To Boast or Not to Boast

Tonight, me and my husband are being blessed by a visit from his sisters, their husbands and one little baby. I am very excited to see my family and have them spend the day with us tomorrow; however, as the evening advanced my feelings slightly changed. When Dominick, my husband, and I first invited them I was really cool and relaxed about having guests. When he left for work, I began to think of all the things I really should do to make our guests' stay welcoming.

My first thought, naturally, was: what are we going to give them to eat? I started with breakfast. We have plenty of cereal, English muffins and bread in the house to make a sufficient for breakfast. However, this was not satisfactory to me. I decided I should make something special for them. My first thought, cinnamon rolls. Who does not like cinnamon rolls?! I pulled out my handy-dandy cookbook and found the recipe. My already forming headache slowly grew as I read the directions. I had all of the ingredients in my tiny kitchen, but I did not have the patience or energy to go through all of the pounding of dough and waiting for it to rise, etc.

I sat for a good fifteen minutes trying to decide if I should make something special for the morning meal or not. I grew frustrated and finally decided to go the grocery store to get a couple of ingredients for the onion dip and lasagna I planned on making.

I left my apartment building to brave the freezing cold. When I got to the store, I grabbed an eight ounce container of sour cream and a sixteen ounce tub of ricotta cheese. I also grabbed a bottle of soda, four small pizzas which were on sale, ice cream and salad dressing. My under-ten-dollar shopping trip turned into a twenty-dollar-plus shopping trip. Oh, well. Wait until Dominick hears that one.

I came back and tackled the onion dip first. Reading the ingredients I realized I was supposed to have sixteen ounces of sour cream, not eight. My headache throbbed especially hard after reading that. "Oh, well. You really should not be surprised about this, Christen." My mind was right; I do dumb things like that allll the time. It's really annoying.

After making half of the onion dip, I decided to have a one-on-one conference with the cookbook once more. This time I searched under muffins. Nothing exciting grabbed my attention except a fast recipe for muffins. Key word in the title being fast. I quickly made two batches of muffins which turned out okay considering the bottoms were a little overcooked and the muffin papers are not coming off too easily. Oh, well!

After making muffins and my half-amount of onion dip, I sat on the couch in preparation to watch some TV before our guests arrived. This attempt of relaxation only lasted a moment when I thought of how dirty my stove was. I groaned as I got up to defeat the grease that had accumulated on the pans under the burners. As I scrubbed those sparkling clean, the bathroom popped into my head. "I really should clean that before they come". Again, I groaned as I grabbed my equipment to clean the bathroom.

Why am I explaining to all of you my particularly pointless evening? There is a reason. Yes, I do have a point. It's probably not an interesting point to any of you out there, but I find it intriguing. Why do certain people...no, no....Why do I try so hard to please others? Do I truly have pure intentions of wanting to make my tiny apartment comfortable for my guests or are my reasons more selfish? Do I want them to think how well I take care of my apartment despite my age? Do I want them to pat me on the back and tell me how good my cooking is or how nice my apartment looks? I do not know. It just goes to show that we all need to stop and evaluate every single motive we have in every insignificant situation. This may be a sin I have to deal with. It may be small, but small things can grow to be extremely large. I encourage everyone to have a heart-to-heart with the Lord and ask Him to show you small sins that need to be recognized and defeated. God, please take away my urge to prove myself to others. "Therefore, as it is written: 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord'". I Corinthians 1:31